P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
