I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
