John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
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the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
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I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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