I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
