the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I am available for nakedness
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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