Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
