For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
