you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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