Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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