i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Randomize
