I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
