Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
