Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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