My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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