We won't sleep together?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
