He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
