if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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