I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
