Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
