The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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