drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
