remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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