if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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