Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
