I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
