There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
