I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
