All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
