I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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