i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
