Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
