Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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