Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
