No awkward lesbian experiences without me
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
