she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
