Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
