omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
