I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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