I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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