I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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