I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
