Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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