then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
