its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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