I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
