Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
two words...techno handjob
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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