I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
