Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
