You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
