Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
