sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
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during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
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I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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