When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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