Princesses don't give blow jobs
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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