i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
